Subscribe To This Site
Horoscope Sign Explanations
|
Unlock the mystery that is you with these hilarious horoscopes. Funny astrology? Sure.
Well, humor is subjective and some of signs are actually kind of cranky.
Also get your funny, free daily horoscope. Guaranteed accurate or your money back.
Horoscope Sign Explanations
Aries - The Ram - Horoscope Sign ExplanationsMarch 21 – April 19
You are insightful, creative and adaptive but don't RAM(Get it?) it down people's throats. Stop being so stubborn and plan a little. Your spontaneous side is great for good times, but bad for stuff like finishing a college degree in four years.
A quick equation for you to remember:
Spontaneous travel = AdventureYour over-achieving and ambitious nature serves you well in business with you and your business cards, but not so much in dating. Quality over quantity. You've got a great sense of humor, you're very passionate, and a prime candidate for a beer gut. Watch the partying, my friend.
Spontaneous welding = You're not getting the deposit back on your apartment AGAIN.
Friends, lovers, and family members love your devotion, but not your late night calls. Try to reign in that big personality from time to time, but by all means keep making fun of authority figures even if it lands you in the slammer from time to time. It's funny.
Taurus - The Bull - Horoscope Sign Explanations
April 20 – May 19
You're a bull on the outside, but a softy at heart. Practical and efficient and always being hit up for money and favors. Let some of your deadbeat friends hit their parents up for money for a change and put more money into your retirement fund!
A quick equation for you:
Sponsoring a friend for Charity Walk = GoodYour shoulders are wet with the tears of friends, and your strength and stamina can carry a heavy burden. If you just ducked out to the movies once in and awhile, and let some of those need friends phone calls go into voicemail, you'll find you'll have a lot more fun. Great teachers, big sisters/brothers (hey Bud), and philanthropists.
Volunteering to help basket-case friend sort through papers = Knock it Off
You are very generous with your possessions, too. Check your sister's closet and neighbor's garages if you can't find something. He or she has probably "borrowed" it. Dump your loser friends that are draining you and hang out with winning cool kids. We won't tell anybody.
Gemini - The Twins - Horoscope Sign Explanations
May 20 - June 20
When you're hot, you're hot Gemini! And when you're not, polar bears would call your heart too cold. Tarzan didn't swing as much as you do, but boy isn't life interesting around you.
Quick equation for you:
You're smiling and happy = Everyone else is happyYou drive a hard bargain, you're supportive, and that charisma gets you out of the stickiest of situations. Why not use that awesome imagination to figure out ways to not bring us all down with you on your next nosedive into depression and/or rage though, huh? Yes, make-up sex is fun, but there are other fun things, too.
You're not smiling and happy = Everyone else is unhappy and tiptoeing around you.
You inspire and motivate others and are very affectionate. You generally get away with stuff you really shouldn't. We can't help but love you, but somedays you make us keep trying not to.
Cancer - The Crab - Horoscope Sign Explanations
June 21 – July 22
You play your cards so close to the vest, a person has to perform something like a circumcision just to take a look. You can be moody, but you hide it almost too well. Your friends and loved ones would love to get a peek at what's behind that conservative exterior.
You're a domestic god/goddess, traditional, loyal and a sympathetic friend. Like a microwave dinner, you need time to just set after being spun around. Tell everybody to back off for a minute after the bell goes ding.
Quick equation:
Watching the History Channel for an Hour = GoodYour family, friends, co-workers, and loved ones always put you in charge of buying the group card, love your scrapbooks, and dinners at your house are always a hit. Make other people help you clean up. Yes, even if they do it wrong.
Holing up in your room watching a 17-part Documentary on the history of something that nobody else has ever heard of = Get out of the house
Leo - The Lion - Horoscope Sign Meaning
July 23 – August 21
Be it king of the jungle or the litter box, no job is to small for you to be the leader. Your quick decisiveness makes you a great leader even when you're leading the charge straight to hell.
You are brave, vocal about your opinions, and even right a lot of the times. You missed the Sesame Street episode where you were taught to share or perhaps you just hoarded the TV and thought the rest of us missed it.
Quick equation for you:
Courage to do the right thing = YouOccasionally bossy, but always working for the greater good the world is a better place when you're in charge--and if we forget, you'll always remind us.
Quick to take credit for doing the right thing = You, too.
Virgo - The Virgin - Horoscope Sign Explanations
August 22 – September 22
You may be a virgin, but you did some heavy kissing with the blarney stone. Your outlandish stories and convincing charm make you fun in any and all social situations.
You're great on a team --especially if it's a winning one. Yes, you give good advice, but who says we all want to take it? Less is more sometimes.
Quick Equation for You
Helping friend solving a crossword puzzle = GoodYour analytical skills and intuition makes you annoying to watch a murder mystery with, but when it comes to solving and planning, you're the shiz-net Sherlock. You friend, loved ones, and co-workers all want the seat next to you at a dinner party. Luckily you can talk loudly.
Critiquing how long it takes your friend to solve said puzzle on his own = UN-Good
Libra - The Scales - Horoscope Sign Explanations
September 23 – October 22
You may be an introvert, but when your stealth debating skills can come out as fast as paparazzi swarms Brittany Spears.
Quick Equation
To Do List Contains Several Errands = GoodNaturally, because of the scale thing, your deal is balance, stability, justice, harmony, etc. But if it's possible to overdose on balance goals, honey, you FOUND IT.
To Do List Consists of Several Errands, Six Relaxation Techniques, A Yoga Class, and Ten Positive Affirmations and Stress Reduction Exercises that have to get done before 7 = Not Good
Scorpio - The Scorpion - Horoscope Sign Explanations
October 23 – November 21
Scorpio you are such a contradiction, well no you're not. Often misunderstood, turbulently driven, incredibly ambitious and put it all together and that spells trouble and obsession for anyone dating you or trying to get you to accept a job offer.
Quick Equation for you:
You + Taking a few minutes to mull over a menu = GoodLearn to place your bets a little sooner so the rest of the world can feel secure for a change. You can keep a secret especially when it's about your thoughts and feelings. Your calm cool exterior fools everyone and no one. You're ideally suited to be a wealthy business man or any profession as long as you're boss and making big bucks. The hippy-artist, wanderer life does not suit you.
You + Taking four years before you want to be exclusive in a relationship = Very, very bad.
Sagittarius - The Centaur - Horoscope Sign Explanations
November 22 – December 21
You think therefore you think the rest of us should leave you alone to think. You do your best when the odds are stacked against you. In the horse-race of life, you're a Centaur who likes come from behind in those last few legs.
Quick equation
You + Instant Gratification = HappyHurry up and figure out the meaning of life, so the world can tie you down already. Remember to win a race, even if you want to come from behind, you have to choose a direction. Try not to get too distracted with EVERYTHING all the time.
You + Waiting Longer than this Instant = Unhappy
Capricorn - The Goat - Horoscope Sign Explanations
December 22 – January 21
Well you critical and practical goat, this is going to be a baaaaad and useless horoscope. You're highly intelligent and will undoubtedly find this entire page to be a sham. But the step-by-step nature may enjoy the following equation:
Capricorn Equation
Capricorn + Other Person's problem = SolvedEverybody else gives sucky advice Capricorn so use your patience, intuition and incredible planning skills to schedule in time to dwell on problems from time to time. They pass, but each time you act like they'll be gone forever. For crying out loud, you stubborn goat, use that big brain and schedule in your depression.
Capricorn + Capricorn's Own Problem = Deep, dark, despair
Aquarius - The Water Bearer - Horoscope Sign Explanations
January 21 – February 19
What the hell is The Water Bearer? Aquarius you so got the shaft. Your unorthodox methods can get many a goal accomplished, however, sometimes those methods include sitting around a lot and kind of being lazy.
Quick Equation for You
You + Task = Done 50% the timeYou are honest, loyal and original and apparently water bearing. Use your philosophical and artistic mind to come up with a better horoscope.
You + Task Delegation = Done
Pisces - The Fish - Horoscope Sign Explanations
February 20 – March 20
You're no cold fish, just sort of luke warm-hehe. Nah, your red, hot, hot, hot. You just keep a low profile while you acquire a wide sea of knowledge.
Your Equation
You + A little Danger = FUNYour generous nature can be taken advantage of, but your determination and passion always guarantees whatever is lost is easily won back.
You + Caution = You all the time
Exit Horoscope Sign Explanations and Go to Funny Stuff Home
