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Comedian Quotes Just for YouFor a complete list of all of the funny quotes on this site go there. Don't be a drive by quoter. Become a super agent in Operation Otter . • I’ve never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope. ~Maria Bamford • I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do. ~ Lenny Bruce • There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out. ~ Sam Kinison • May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. ~ George Carlin • It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. ~ Bill Hicks • Religion is just mind control. ~ George Carlin • Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying "Here, you throw this away." ~ Mitch Hedburg • You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later. ~ Mitch Hedburg • You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?" ~ Zach Galifiankis • Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves. ~ Bill Hicks • You can't have everything. Where would you put it? ~ Steven Wright • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ~ Steve Martin • I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. ~ Woody Allen • If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows. ~ Sam Kinison More Comedian Quotes and Funny Quotes
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