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Clean Funny Jokes
I have a lot of clean funny jokes in my act and some dirty ones, but people also seem to dig on the old school jokes. So here are some oldies and some goodies and one or two that are a little of both.Visit my Otter Blog while you're here. Before we get going here is a quick, clean joke from my act, which is more full of personal stories really but at least I have some more joke like things: "I heard about a scientific study that says people who drink coffee every day are 50% less likely to commit suicide. Which is great, but then they are twice as likely to commit murder. ... But murder is more pro-active so it's good thing." ~Christy Murphy Now what you came here for ... Clean Funny Jokes for YouMom is always right - Clean Funny JokesPeter is coming home from school and says to his mother: “Mom I’m not gong to school anymore and I have two reasons for that, 1. All the boys at school make fun of me. 2. All the girls at school make fun of me.” His mother says: “Peter I’m gonna give you two reasons why you should go to school, 1. You’re 42 years old. 2. You’re the headmaster. Clean Funny Jokes - The Mistress A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that??!!” “Oh,” replies the husband, “that was my mistress.” The wife says, “That’s it; I want a divorce.” “I understand,” replies her husband, “But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club, but the decision is yours.” Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. “Who’s that woman with Jim? ” she asks. “That’s his mistress,” replies her husband. “Ours is prettier,” says the wife. What's in a name? There was a married couple sleeping and a psycho killer entered into their house. The killer put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, “I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?” ”My name is Elizabeth,” the woman replied. The killer said, “You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can’t kill you.” The killer then turned to the husband and asked, “What is your name?” “My name’s Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth, too.” Clean Funny Jokes - Clever Girl Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.” Eating Grass One afternoon, a rich man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed a man was eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man. “I don’t have any money for food so I am eating grass,” the poor man replied. “Oh, come along with me then,” said the rich man. “But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them as well,” said the rich man. So, the poor man got into his car and expressed his gratitude, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking us with you.” The rich man replied, “No problem, my friend. The grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use your help!” Three Vampires Walk Into a Bar ... Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender. "Blood," orders the first vampire. "Make it two," says the second. The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?" "Plasma," says the vampire. "Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I've got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light." Clean Funny Jokes - Thanks for flying An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?" Clean Funny Jokes - Psychiatrist A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t get your telegram." Go to Funny Stuff and Other Stuff Otter Home
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